Dear Ms/Mr. Spammer:
I would like to thank you for your continued interest in me and my well being.
I am not in need of a new laptop; mine works just fine, thanks. I don’t particularly want a new free LCD TV, perhaps you could use that money elsewhere. I don’t shop at Sears, or Future Shop, or any of the other stores for which you have generously offered to send me $500 gift cards.
You seem to be confused as to who I am: I am not big, black, and beautiful; nor am I a single Asian male; nor a Christian looking for a fellow Christian. I am happily married, and not in the market for anything on the side. Nor do I have any long-lost Nigerian relatives whose fortunes I wish to claim; you must be looking for someone else.
Being female, I do not need my penis enlarged. Nor am I interested in v1@gra, ciaL1$, or any of the other offers to make me or my partner do anything in particular like a pornstar. I am curious as to what exactly makes you think I would be.
I am, as you know, a medical student, and therefore not in need of any of the job offers you regularly send. I have quite enough debt, and so I don’t know whose “approved” loan applications I keep receiving notices for. And I frankly do not have the time to fill in surveys for money.
In short, thank you for looking out for me. My bulk mailbox is emptied daily of the proofs of your tender loving care.